Thursday, December 8, 2016

Are Your Divorce normal Fantasies?

Are Your Divorce normal Fantasies? -
Image Source/Getty
It is quite normal to think of divorce even if you do not really want. Image Source / Getty
update July 31, 2016 .

Have you ever wondered if it is "normal" thinking about getting a divorce? According to a large study by researchers at the Center for Family Studies at Brigham Young University, having such thoughts are relatively "normal." Overall objective of the study is to understand or even prevent divorce by exploring the thinking and decision-making about the divorce. Three thousand married people were interviewed in the Divorce national decision-making project to understand how people consider the possibility of divorce. What kinds of thoughts that people have and what are they doing about them? Better yet, what should they do? The study had some interesting results.

Divorce ideation is not as rare as people may realize. In fact, more than half of married participants survey indicate that they have had thoughts about divorce, whether in the past or currently, either spoken or implied. And one in four spouses recently (in the last six months) thought of divorce.

"In our culture, it is almost impossible not to have thoughts."

~ Dr. Alan Hawkins

principal investigator of the study Dr. Alan Hawkins, a professor of family life at Brigham Young, has much to say about the main conclusions. "We wanted to understand how people think about divorce and mental and emotional process they go through when deciding." What was most interesting to Mr. Hawkins was that "There is no doubt that thoughts about divorce are definitely there and that in our culture it is almost impossible not to have thoughts. "in essence, the high divorce rate in our culture are considered a contributing factor, making divorce thoughts if common.

Individuals who consider divorce less often were also less severe marital problems such as abuse, addiction and infidelity. They were also more optimistic about the marriage despite their problems, and they were more willing to work harder to resolve marital problems. A majority, regardless of the severity of the problem, wanted to keep their marriage intact and solve their problems.

Many respondents who had previous thoughts about divorce, but did not respond, said they were happy to be still married. Surprisingly, most said their marriage improved even without any particular intervention. Therefore, having thoughts about divorce is not always a sign that divorce is necessarily imminent. Dr. Hawkins believes that "thoughts about the divorce were quite scary than when they entered our consciousness, we must be at a high enough level [of distress]." He elaborates, "While many people have thoughts about divorce, for most, these thoughts are rather 'soft', which means infrequent and most do not want to renounce marriage." Sometimes , thoughts were often just the situation, as after a particularly bad argument. "Even the most serious thinkers still do not want to bail."

Dr. Hawkins explains that there is an idea that there is a "casual divorce" in our society, however, he notes: "I do not see much evidence of that," In fact, many. those with thoughts about divorce reported that thoughts have continued for several years. the "quickie" divorce and the occasional can occur, but has not been seen in this representative sample. "I see people take their vows seriously, "said Dr. Hawkins. the research team is still exploring the link between having such thoughts and take action.

the most frequently identified tools that people use either resolve or simply survive their marital problems are patience perspective and commitment. These strategies were much more common than taking direct action to solve the problems in the marriage (for example, such as seeking marriage counseling). However, one or more of these more passive strategies may not be the best approach.

Dr. Hawkins interprets the results in a way that made him think a lot of people "seem to be waiting for time to fix things rather than take proactive measures. They do not take the initiative to see counselors or clergy often. But it often just use the relationship "Waiting to see if the problems go away is an" all or nothing strategy ". It works for some people, but for many others, this strategy has failed miserably. The reported more useful tactic was "taking steps on their own, for example, to forgive a partner or talk to partner," says Dr. Hawkins.

It is often assumed that it takes a discontent and dissatisfaction for anyone thinking about getting a divorce. However, this study shows that this is not the case, and these types of thoughts are actually very common. It is essential to remember that is a big difference between thoughts and actions. in fact, thoughts can influence a person to try a proactive strategy to repair the marriage, rather than pushing them to the divorce or separation.

What should you do if you are thinking about divorce?

Saying the "D" word out loud to your spouse can be pretty scary for you and your husband. "It is clear in our data that even the serious thinkers have not discussed this with their spouses. This is probably more dangerous. People seem to have the conversation with their spouses in their heads! This is not usually the most effective way to go about it, "warns Dr. Hawkins. Perhaps a conversation about your dissatisfaction with the relationship, not necessarily mention your thoughts about divorce, is the place to start. external assistance (a marriage therapist, clergy) is suggested, but if it does the route you want to take, try to find strategies to solve problems directly. There are great resources available for troubled marriages, outside of marriage therapy, if you object to see a therapist.

Regardless of the choice of remedy these problems, be proactive, not passive, is the best strategy. Leave your thoughts about divorce be the impetus to work on your marriage. Take action. Do not wait for things to go better on their own. discuss troubling questions with your spouse before you rush to discuss divorce or worse, before taking steps to obtain a divorce. It is worth it.

thinking seriously about DIVORCE? FOLLOW THESE RECOMMENDED RESOURCES: YourDivorceQuestions.com, SmartMarriages.com, DiscernmentCounseling.com, MarriageFriendlyTherapists.com

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