Monday, January 30, 2017

Here is what your children need most after divorce [

Here is what your children need most after divorce [

Here is what your children need most after divorce [ -
functional co-parenting scale - [Photo courtesy of Rachel Boyle & Trevor Crow Mullineaux}
Co-parenting relationships based on a continuum. [PhotogracieusetédeRachelBoyle&TrevorCorbeauMullineaux}
Update August 19, 2016 .

If you are simple, and a parent, and you are considering entering a new serious relationship or "blend" your family, you probably have lots of concerns. A major concern is probably how your ex will deal with your new relationship. In many cases the former spouse or biological parent can cause stress between the family and the pain. In the best case, you and all the adults in your part of the family, respect and to raise healthy children, emotionally secure a priority as you grow a security relationship between households.

A friendly healthy co-parenting relationship is entirely possible with the intention and patience.

This means that all adults involved in the life of your child communicate calmly and respectfully, pay and pick up on time, return toys, books and clothes, do not use children as conduits of information or programming and speak positively of the former and new partner. Each of you as parents consider the education of children as a team effort. You are flexible and help each other on planning and child-care.Paying for schools and activities are distributed as fairly as possible, and you are aware not to take advantage of other parents.

high functioning, secure co-parents are a blessing to your children. Your children can go from one house to another without drama. They feel safe having a relationship with both sets of parents. Especially children grow up hoping that the adults in their lives bring well-being and emotional security of children to parental anger, jealousy or revenge. Children should not be exposed to negative feelings of an adult about their ex and divorce. Children should know they are loved and safe.

If you are one, high co-parent operation secure, on a scale of 1-10 to, you're a "10". Your behaviors and intentions are favorable to the effort of co-parenting team. In addition, the biological parents express appreciation for help and step-parent child support and other.

By creating a collaborative, co-parenting inter-family environment, you give your children a much better chance of being emotionally healthy and resilient. You are also helping your children feel safe taking risks and necessary to help it grow. Children thrive when they know they have a safe, loving refuge two homes where they are seen, heard and feel a sense of belonging.

Conversely, if you or your former spouse or biological parent does not work as a team and actively sabotages the co-parenting efforts, then you or your ex are at the other end of the scale, obtaining a "1" or "2" If you talk to your ex in front of your children, threaten to hurt or engage in physical pushing or blocking, cause you emotional distress your children.

negative co-parenting or sabotage is emotionally damaging to your children with long-term effects. It will also have a negative impact on your new marriage. When a bio parent is angry and vindictive, trashing ex for children, sabotage the new spouse of the former and openly saying hurtful things about the other parent of the child, children suffer, you suffer and your spouse suffers.

Children need to feel they are safe to have a relationship with both parents. If a parent requires loyalty to another parent, children are placed in an untenable situation. Each child is ½ of each parent. When you ask your kids disown the other parent, children struggle with hating / ½ disavowing themselves, causing emotional wounds deeply contradictory.

If you find that you are in a relationship to 1-3 on the scale co-parenting, first ask what you and your spouse might do differently to smooth communication between households. Maybe ask the bio parents what you can all do to create a safe environment for children. I encourage you to seek help from a family therapist to mediate co-parenting issues if necessary.

If you are sure you have made every effort to work collaboratively together, and your ex will not be a team player, then it is necessary to erect strong boundaries between houses. This may mean pick up and drop offs are on school or public places only. Sabotage biological parent has not hosted on your door, or in the house. All communication is done through text or email. (There are some great applications that make it easier). All communication is strictly on planning and well-being of children.

Another damaging behavior or ex biological parent can engage in is to use the judicial system to punish or maintain a negative relationship with the biological parent that causes financial and emotional stress. In this situation, you and your spouse need a family lawyer who can help you protect yourself.

If such is particularly vindictive and it is intended for your new spouse, it is your duty to protect him. If your ex trashes your new spouse, you need to end it. In the opinion of your ex to your new partner is irrelevant. You may need to block social media, emails, phone numbers, the name of your spouse. You, as the biological parent should handle all communications concerning children with the biological parent.

You can not control what happens in your home. If you create a safe space, emotional support for your children, you do your best in a difficult situation. Your children will eventually grow up and understand that you were there for them. You can not change what happens in the other house, you can just focus on creating a family environment secured safely in your home.

If your ex-spouse is doing everything in their power to keep your children from you, then it is your duty to make every effort to maintain a presence in their lives. You may have to use the legal system to keep the visits. Most of the time, do not give up. Children need to know and feel that you fought your best to have a relationship with them. Keep track of your efforts, you may have to show proof a day when they are grown

(Caveat :. I write this assuming that all parents are safe, not abuse children sexually or emotionally).

scale relative Co-operation (1-10):

10 - the functioning of stepfamilies highest

1 - the lowest, with fights, dangerous emotionally, vindictive, sabotaging

higher operating data, secure co-parenting:

  • respectful
  • flexible
  • just
  • support
  • Kind
  • collaboration
  • Safe
  • healthy boundaries
  • emotional Objective well-being of children
  • Calm, style of positive communication between households
  • adults make plans involved without children
  • adults are respectful of former and new partner
  • adults communicate with children, it is safe and good to have a relationship with the other parent and bio family
  • biological parents are grateful for the efforts of parents-and to express that to the kids

the potential outcome is to have children who are emotionally resilient, adaptive and willing to take appropriate risks. They have several adults in their lives willing to drop everything and run for them. There are more resources available for children: love, time money, and mentoring. They develop a strong immune system and "secure attachment styles" emotionally because they are loved and feel safe.

Low Operating data, very anxious and sabotage co-parenting

  • Trashing ex
  • Angry, feeling vindictive in the house
  • Style strong communication, angry, confrontational, condescending
  • Physically threatening, they create the sense of danger and instability
  • Demands loyalty to the former children
  • sabotages the relationship of the children with a new partner of the former
  • no flexibility
  • does not pay child support / alimony on time
  • did not pick up children on time, promises the activity of children and does not show
  • Use judiciary to punish ex and new partner
  • does not return clothes, toys and books
  • irritated and angry about the ex and his new relationship
  • Uses the children to communicate, plan, program
  • Pumps children personal information on ex and new joint
  • Use children as emotional support to adult feelings
  • inherently dangerous to children emotionally

the potential outcome is to have fragile emotionally anxious, avoidant or chaotic attachment styles developed by children. The children suffer from a life of deep emotional wounds, prone to addiction and many difficulties to connect to future romantic partners. Their immune system tends to be naturally suppressed by anxiety and emotional instability. They may be too dangerous to take risks, or take inappropriate risks that are destructive or dangerous.

You can see how it is crucial to any attempt to co-parent in a practical way for the sake of your children. It is impossible to control a former (or other person) but it is quite possible to make these changes yourself. Maybe your ex will follow. The critical part to remember is that this will help your children to thrive, and your new marriage survive

Buy Amazon :. Blending Families: Merging households with children 8-18 Trevor Crow Mullineaux and Maryann Karinch


Sunday, January 29, 2017

Combining families: Stepping challenge

Combining families: Stepping challenge

Combining families: Stepping challenge
blended family - Hero Images/Creative RF/Getty
Hero Images / RF Creative / Getty
update August 19, 2016 .

When deciding to make a living with your partner to form a new blended family, many rewards and challenges. A stepfamily can include your child or children of your new spouse from a previous relationship. It may take a few years for a stepfamily to fall into place and work well together. It is normal for children to feel uncertain about the coming changes and how this will affect current relationships with their birth parents. They will also worry about live with new step-siblings. Plan how your blended family work before the marriage takes place will give you the best chance of success.

Step-Parenting 101

One of the biggest challenges of stepfamily involves parenting and discipline. If a couple takes the time to discuss their expectations about parenting and discipline, it can be very useful. These talks should happen before remarrying. You and your spouse must be specific about your expectations.

For example, what are the rules of the house are, which tasks and what rewards or punishments will look like. You should also talk about your values, beliefs and philosophy around both parents and how to develop a cohesive unit as a step-family.

It is particularly important that consistency in the parent structure. You want the kids to adjust as well as possible and be consistent will certainly help. Typically, the biological parents should be the ones to take the main responsibility for applying the rules, with the stepparent action in a supporting role. You must always be both on the same page that does not inadvertently encourage manipulation in children. You also do not want to be shocked by anything moving together. You do not want to discover that the youngest also gets to sleep in your marriage bed, meals are in front of the TV or the children can come and go from home without permission if you are absolutely against such things.

once you have set your parenting in the order structure, turning it into a support, love, mixed well house is another task altogether. Do not expect instant harmony "Brady Bunch". All you need time together to bond and navigate new relationships. Remember that you are dealing with children! It is a major expectation of them to do as well as visiting hours and time sharing. You should not force these relationships and connections. You can demand respect, civility and courtesy, but you can not force children to all as their stepsiblings or stepparent.

Children vs The New Spouse - A battle Loosing

Who comes first, your children or your spouse? The answer is both. As in your first marriage, both children and adult primary relationship were priorities. You may be divorced because you are feeding your first marriage. If that were the case, you know the importance of feeding your new marriage or it disintegrate. When your children you and your new spouse to see in a foster and loving relationship, it is healthy for them. However, your children do not care about your romantic life, and they do not ask for a divorce. This means that you must pay attention to their emotional needs and tend to them.

You and your spouse have an obligation to all children in the household feel safe. They need to know they can trust you both and go to one of you to speak openly. You should also regularly check with them and not express anger if they are unhappy with some of the new arrangements. Do you best to help each individual child with his struggles adapting to the new house. By sex and age of the child, each adjusted differently. If you can not get out of the joint against the power struggles for children, it is time to seek the help of a family therapist.

yours and Their Each Other of

You can decide to have a baby with your new spouse. This will add another change in family dynamics. Do not be surprised if children do not jump for joy with you. If you created a stable structure reconstructed, the easier the transition will be. But you always want to prep the children what is happening and tend to their emotions and the issues around it. A baby could actually help create the closeness and connection between all members of the stepfamily.

The Ex-Factor

One of the biggest sources of problems of children after divorce is the failure of parents to keep their negative feelings or derogatory comments about their ex ( or their new spouse ex) for themselves. Keep yourself in check! Children feel bad only about themselves if you criticize their other parent. They feel stress if you two do not get along and fight too.

As great as it would be if the homes of your child would be identical, it is quite unrealistic. Ignore things that do not really matter. You should not make an issue of anything that is not a safety issue. Your kids will adapt to the rules of each house. Be flexible and reasonable with your ex regarding tours and timeshares.

Can not we all get along?

Recognize that you and your children still need your own time together. Your children need to know that the "family of origin" is always special and not just a part of another large group. It is perfectly possible to do something on your own just as expected with your children and your spouse.

Do not even try to create perfect equality between all children. It's impossible. Be as equal as you can and when you can. Help children cope with their perception of inequality and feelings like jealousy, which may arise. For example, if one of the stepchildren comes home with a new toy from the other parent, standardize and validate feelings jealous about that.

On the other hand, do not try to "buy" your step-children love or try desperate attempts to get them to like you. This will probably backfire and does not work. You do not need to overindulge your biological children on the "divorce guilt." Similarly, it is both ineffective parenting strategies.

A blended family is still a family, first and foremost. These days, families come in all shapes, sizes and styles. What makes a family is about connecting and love among and within trusted relationships genetics. You can make mistakes you can learn. You and your spouse are going through the learning curve together. You are better to be a partner, parents and in-laws, the happier and blended family

online resource :. national stepfamily resource center

Buy Amazon: Blending Families: Merging households with children 8-18 , [1945033Familles] successfully combining: Helping parents and children Navigating challenges while everyone ends up happy or Smart recomposed Marriage: the keys to success in the blended family


Saturday, January 28, 2017

Join Joint Program FAQ

Join Joint Program FAQ

Join Joint Program FAQ -
update February 5, 2016 .
Q. What is the registration joint program?
A. If you and your spouse are both active members of military service, whether in the same branch of the military or in separate branches, and two-year service retainability, you can apply through the joint program Register to be transferred to a place where you can live in the same residence. In the army, the common home program is called the Army Couples Program Married.

Q. Are there safeguards being sold?
A. No. Although the military services of the United States is committed to maintaining military couples together if possible, assignments will initially be based on the needs of the military.

Q. How do we apply?
A. Each of you must complete an application (Join Joint Assignment Intent) and check that your spouse join codes intention and preferences correspondence assignment.

Q. What if we just married?
A. You may have to submit a certified copy of your marriage certificate and your birth certificates, driving licenses and social security cards.

Not remarry before reading this

Not remarry before reading this

Not remarry before reading this -
Sean Murphy-Stone/Getty
Sean Murphy-Stone / Getty
update July 17, 2016 .

If you are planning to remarry, especially when the mixture of families, you should consider the many possible challenges you may encounter. There are additional stressors in these scenarios can cause conflict between you and your new spouse. Here are some common concerns that newly married partners are likely to face and how to deal with them.

emotional baggage from your previous marriage

Old patterns and triggers relationship can easily occur. People often react to conflict predictably. You avoidant conflict? Disdainful? Do you turn quickly? Have you always the one to raise questions in your past relationship? maybe it burned you and has contributed to the failure of your first marriage. It is essential to bring new ways to resolve conflicts with your current marriage. This may require you to take a deep and meaningful look at your role in your previous marriage, and if your behavior contributed to this end.

If it still brings about intense, negative emotions, there is a good chance that you will bring this "baggage" in your new marriage as well, especially when times are tough. Whatever you do, do not ignore your own red flags and ask for help sooner if the ghosts of the past continue to reappear.


Finance can cause many problems when combining families and households. A solid financial plan, discussed before making a commitment, is recommended. Discuss your budget, especially regarding children's needs. If your new spouse does not receive alimony or support is insufficient, you must be willing to assume some financial responsibility for children that are not yours. If you do not agree with this, it may cause conflict between you and your new spouse. Remember, children are victims of divorce and must not be put in the middle of adult financial disagreements. A financial advisor or counselor can guide you both, if you find that you still can not compromise on this issue.

The extended family and in-laws

Remarriage can create a more complicated situation with in-laws or extended family. These members of the extended family can experience the sadness of divorce, and happiness for the new marriage as well. Loyalty concerns can arise when there is an ongoing relationship with the former spouse due to joint custody. Be aware that others in the family can adjust to divorce a different rate than you, especially if you remarried quickly. It is very difficult to change what others think or feel about the situation, but you can strengthen your relationship with them over time. You can also discuss any concerns directly with parents and other family members. If these people are causing conflict in your marriage, you need to establish healthy boundaries and firm early on so that they understand they have to resolve their conflicting feelings without interfering in your new marriage.


If you Blending your families during a new marriage, there now has children from a previous relationship (s), common children, or a mixture of both. Many second (and third) marriages fail because of constraints on children. All children have different physical and emotional needs. You may have two variables parenting philosophies. Your wedding is the basic relationship in the stepfamily and is the foundation of the family. Domestic rules define standards, expectations and consequences that are universal, fair and consistent for all children. A united front is still critical. Not all children will be as close to you and you can get along better with your own children that your new stepchildren. Know that this can also occur in traditional nuclear families.

You and your spouse are a team, and the need to address the interactions with your children and extended family in this way. Maintain open communication without letting things pile up. Consider couples therapy if you can not seem to minimize conflicts on your own. You may even consider counseling before committing to marriage, even if things seem to go well, to ensure that you have a solid plan to deal with all the challenges that come your way.

Recommended reading available for purchase at Amazon: Wisdom of Step-Parenting: How to succeed where others fail, Smart Step-Family, Remarriage Adventure: Preparing for a life of love and happiness, the Blueprint remarriage


Friday, January 27, 2017

What kind of love do you feel in your relationship?

What kind of love do you feel in your relationship?

What kind of love do you feel in your relationship? -
Anthony Harvie-Stone/Getty
Anthony Harvie-Stone / Getty
update February 13, 2016 .

"What is love?" is the most googled never question. Love is essential to our well-being and often makes life worth living. Most of us have a different definition if asked to define love. Few researchers have put forward a viable theory on the concept of love. The triangular theory of love was developed by psychologist Dr. Robert Sternberg in the late 1980s and underwent popularity. His theory suggests that people can have varying degrees of intimacy, passion and commitment at any point in time.

The first component of love, privacy involves feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness. The second component, passion , involves feelings and desires that lead to physical attraction, romance, and sexual consumption. Finally, the third component commitment , include feelings that lead a person to stay with someone and move towards common goals. Finding a balance between the needs for sex and the needs of love is essential.

The three components of the theory of Dr. Sternberg interact systemically, "ping" off of each other.

there, seven types of love experiences can occur. "Types" of love may vary in a relationship as well. The types of love represented in the triangle are: infatuation, empty love, romantic love, companionate love, love conceit, and finally (the most ideal type), love consumed

Infatuation is characterized by the desire and passion. He did not have enough time for a deeper sense of intimacy, romantic love or love consumed in the beginning of the relationship. Other forms of love can possibly develop after the infatuation stage makes up. The initial enthusiasm was and is often so powerful that people can "carry a torch" to the other, not quite knowing whether they have what it takes for maintenance, deep and lasting love.

empty love is characterized by a commitment, but without passion or intimacy. Sometimes a strong love deteriorates into empty love. the opposite can happen as well. for example, an arranged marriage can start empty, but thrive in another form of love over time.

romantic love people bond emotionally through intimacy and physical passion. partners this type of relationship have deep conversations that help them to know intimate details about each other. They enjoy a sexual passion and affection. These couples may be where the long-term commitment or future plans are still undecided.

love Companionate is an intimate way, but not passionate love. It is stronger than friendship because there is a long term commitment. There is little or no sexual desire. It is often found in marriages where passion is dead, but the couple continues to have a deep affection or a strong bond together. This can also be seen as the love between close friends and family members.

love Obtuse is characterized by a whirlwind marriage and court where the passion behind a commitment without the stabilizing influence of intimacy. We hear a lot about this among celebrities (such as Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney and Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett). We may even know people who have done this in our own circles, which we scratch our heads wondering how they could get married on impulse. Unfortunately, these marriages often do not work and when they do, we chalk up to "luck".

Consummate love is the full form of love and represents an ideal relationship. That's the kind of love that we associate with "perfect couple." These couples have great sex several years in their relationship. They can not imagine someone else. They also can not be truly happy without their partners. They manage to overcome differences and stress factors facing together. According to Dr. Sternberg, however, the consummate love may be more difficult to maintain than to achieve, as the components must love be put into action. We have heard that "love is a verb" and this is what Dr Sternberg means. Without behavior and expression, passion and lost love can return to the type companionate instead.

Dr. Sternberg's theory of love is one among many, but it is one of the frames defining the most popular and cited. Whatever love is or could be, people recognize the value both to love and be loved, and realize that life is much better with him than without

Source :. Sternberg, RJ (1986) A triangular theory of love . Psychological Review, 93, 119-135.


Tips for a Healthy Long Distance Marriage

Tips for a Healthy Long Distance Marriage

Tips for a Healthy Long Distance Marriage -
update April 14, 2016 .

Being in a long distance marriage creates complications and can make a more difficult marriage. Here are some tips to keep your marriage strong, even if you do not live under the same roof

Difficulty :. Average

Time required: Varies

Here's how:

  1. The key, as in all the relationship is communication. Keep the lines of communication open on a daily basis. Send photos, another Skype, send text messages, short videos online or cloud computing.
  2. It is essential that you are both committed to each other and believe in your marriage really.
  3. Your long distance marriage will fail if there is a lack of trust between you.
  4. Although you are of each other, make time for each other. You can do so by sending a love letter, an email, write in a journal, day dreaming of your spouse, or to have a chat online or via text messages.
  5. Share your expectations about being apart. also share your expectations about being together again.
  1. Be honest about your concerns and fears about your separation.
  2. Consider having a daily dialogue with each other.
  3. keep a daily journal.
  4. Add another scented pillow or a shirt to help keep your presence with them.
  5. Plan a trip, a few days together, or a fun activity (other than sex) to when the two of you are back together.
  6. Enhance your online communication with electronic maps, music, poems, movies, and stories.
  7. with more opportunities to watch movies and online TV shows, you two could watch a show, then talk, talk, or text on it with the other.
  8. Send care packages each. other often
  9. Play online together
  10. Surprise each other from time to time with a phone call

Tips: ..

  1. do not assume that infidelity occurs because of your physical separation. Most long-distance marriages should not face this heartache because of the love and commitment of spouses feel for each other.
  2. Since you can not read another's nonverbal communication, symbols or words to use or happy faces to describe your thoughts better.
  3. When you're back together, do not rush to get things done around the house immediately. Allow the spouse to return to have a little time to adjust to being home

What you need :.

  • Commitment
  • Communication
  • Sense of humor
  • Trust
Military Family Support Information - Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard

Military Family Support Information - Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard

Military Family Support Information - Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard -
Update February 5, 2016 .
"Justice At a recent" Memory of the chaplain, 'where the army is trying to prepare his soldiers for reintegration into the world, the officer cited statistics of the army indicated 30 percent of spouses believe deploying their wedding night the Advocate Corps Army General statistics show the divorce rate among soldiers as comparable to civilian rates -.. about 50 percent "Quote Cuck Yarbrorough of" Iraq No moon honey couples "via

The Office of the Special Assistant has provided the following information for military personnel and families.

Army, Navy
rights, SERVICES sales


Army Community and support center for families
the Army Community & family support Center serves as headquarters for MWR Army (morale, welfare and recreation).

Army Family Action Plan
AFAP the program is seeking comments on the critical issues that affect the welfare of the soldiers, families of the military, retirees and DA civilians.

All components are included; active duty, Army National Guard and Army Reserves. AFAP issues are solicited directly from the army constituents through annual conferences in the facilities, the main commands of the army, and HQDA. AFAP Conference the results are reported to the leaders that ensure issues are worked toward resolution.

Army Family Team Building
Army Family Team Building is an organization run by volunteers that provides training and knowledge to spouses and family members to support the total effort of the Army. AFTB mission is to educate and train all of America's Army in the knowledge, skills and attitudes to prepare our families for the army to move successfully into the future.


Support Division families fleet
Support Division of the Fleet family and provides support to sailors, families and communities providing policy guidance, the field support, resources and information services to people in need, their business partners, the chain of command and their field activities.

They do this through planning, supervision, advocacy and research.

moral, Headquarters wellness and leisure
The Navy MWR administers a varied entertainment program, social and community support activities on the facilities of the US Navy in the world. Their mission is to provide quality support and recreational services that contribute to the conservation, preparation and mental well-being, physical and emotional sailors and their families.

Marine Family Advocate Program
This site is dedicated to support the volunteers who make up the professional naval team Ombudsman. This includes mediators, members of the Assembly Ombudsman and staff of Naval Services Family Line.