Michele Weiner-Davis is an internationally renowned social worker and therapist clinical relation, author, educator wedding, sought-after speaker and self-proclaimed "psychotic optimistic" to save the bestseller weddings. His TEDx Talk on "The Sex-Starved Marriage" has received nearly a million times. Michele's work has been featured on many national media. She has made numerous television appearances on shows including 48 hours, 20/20, The Today Show, and Oprah. Michele is the author of seven popular books and divorce Director Busting® Centre with offices in Boulder, Colorado and Woodstock, Illinois, and the maintenance of international telephone coaching program.
How is divorce prevention become your passion?
I always tell people that I do not choose my career, my career chose me. It's almost like it was not a conscious decision. There were two really compelling forces. The first was my work in the first part of my career in a social service agency doing family therapy to help teens and their families.
Initially, when the parents were having problems in their relationship I would try to help them solve their problems, but if it did not happen easily I did what most people were doing at the time what was to help them dissolve their relationship amicably break the news to children, placing them in a support group and so on. What I began to notice while continuing to work with these families was that divorce creates more problems than it solves. They often have unexpected problems. I started to really question the ease with which I am to help people make the transition from marriage to divorce. So surreptitiously, which was coupled with my own personal experience. Actually, I think my personal history has had a more profound effect on me. I grew up in a version of the east coast of the Walton family ... very solid, time with family and extended family together. My parents fought. It was a wonderful childhood until one dark day when I was in high school my mother and we all sat and announced that, after 23 years of marriage, she was unhappy and wanted a divorce. None of us saw coming. So he launched the world and my nest was in pieces. It was a devastating moment for me. I knew that a divorce would end the marriage of my parents, but I had no way of knowing how it would affect my family forever. In essence, it dissolves their relationship and my family as I knew. I always tell people: "Divorce is always" There are constant memories of the impact of divorce on family events, holidays or parties are still bitter There were opportunities that were very painful too.... during the joyful events, there are still reminders of family dissolution and discomfort people feel in the presence of each other So that really created a desire in me to do two things:. one is to do my own work of marriage and another to be passionate about helping others prevent divorce. I've been married 44 years! the process of developing a model that I refer as "divorce-busting "is for people to know that I am not come to help people prevent divorce in a religious or moral perspective. I do not think that divorce is immoral and some marriages should be dissolved, but, that being said, I truly believe that the vast majority of troubled couples contemplating divorce have marital problems are solvable. I firmly believe that there are so many unnecessary divorces in our country. I am totally committed to helping people regardless of the severity or chronicity of problems. I help them sort out how they got there and, more importantly, to find solutions so that they do not simply remain miserable together, but they are finding new ways to interact so that they fall in love again.
Your treatment approach is "targeted solution." What is this?
Traditional therapy was based on the idea that if people had problems, they might just have a glimpse into the past and how they repeat past patterns and insight will make the change. Then along comes therapy solution-focused and one the underlying assumptions of the model is that you can analyze the past until the cows come home and have all the insight in the world and it is not necessarily going to get you to change. for example, you can understand why you are depressed and still be depressed or why you are overweight and always overeat. focused therapists solutions are much more interested in helping people look to the future and ask them where they want to be six months or a year from now ... what are your goals? What practical and specific steps you need to take that lead you to this goal you hope. In addition, they are some of the obstacles that you face and some of the things you can do differently to overcome obstacles. He is pragmatic, goal-oriented, and know the strengths oriented to the future and what they are doing already. For example, couples say they fight all the time, but it's impossible. There are months or days or weeks when things go well. So centered therapy solutions is interested in these exceptions to the problem and help people understand what they are doing differently when things go well for them to do more. I think this therapy is based on the glass half full rather than half empty. What I like is when you focus on the strengths and bypass people that introspection about the past, you are focused on helping people gain a better understanding of what to do to achieve their goals. The therapy tends to be shorter and people leave the session feeling better than when they walked.
You have great strategies to work with a partner when the other refuses treatment. Can you talk about some of them?
I call it, "We need a tango." It really is based on the idea that relationships are like a dance and when a person changes the steps, dance changes. one of the most classic examples of what happens when, for example, a woman announces that she wants a divorce and her husband is shocked and devastated. the most typical thing for the spouse who want to stay in marriage is to engage in behaviors that .. inadvertently pushes the other spouse further away they beg, plead, cry and continue If separated, they constantly call, text and e-mail relationships are like swings :. more a person does something, the less the other person does. the more it continues, the more it withdraws. Thus, when these spouses make a desperate call to my office wanting to save marriage, we help them to understand what they do to push their partner away. We also help them to come up with strategies to stop doing this and also take a look at what pique the interest of their partner at work perhaps on marriage, or even expressing interest kinder acting. We even have people keep a journal solutions. We tell them to stop certain behaviors as professing their love or act depressed, which is quite attractive. We help them to focus on developing their own emotional muscles to make them more attractive to their spouse. It is much more of what works and less of what does not work.
You talk a lot about "homosexual marriage-hungry." What are your best tips for couples in this situation when one partner wants physical contact while the other away from him?
I do a TEDx talk about this. the person with the desire under control sex. It is not a mutual decision. It is a decision taken by the person who does not really want to have sex. Usually, this person feels, "What's the big deal ... it's just sex ... go get a life." But the aspiration person to touch, it is a huge deal and it's not just sex. it is about feeling wanted, loved and connected. one of the oddities about marriage is that we expect the collaborative decision making in many aspects ... having children ... to live ... how to deal with laws. But lack of this is all that has to do with sex. I think of a sexual relationship, there should be reciprocity and consensus agreements. One of the things I recommend to people is less desire to adopt the philosophy of "Nike" and "Just do it." When I say that I mean that there is compelling research that for half of the population, especially women, they do not randomly, strong thoughts that led them to want sex. If these women agreed to have sex, they usually have a great time, they orgasm, they feel connected to their spouses. It comes from the physical excitement, not to have a strong random thoughts on their partner. Some of these women who adopt the Nike philosophy that they do not have a weak desire and they are not asexually. they need physical excitement, so they remember they love it. the other element is that healthy relationships are based on mutual care giving. There's nothing wrong and any right to show your love for a person desire for this physical connection being more physical. For the person with the highest desire, when attempts vulnerable in this respect physics are met with rejection, the answer quickly moves to anger or withdrawal. Anger is not an aphrodisiac. So I say the highest desire of people is that when they talk to their spouse to be closer physically, make sure you talk about what it is to be in your shoes and you say "I miss you" and "I want to feel close to you" or "I do not feel like it", instead of showing impatience, boredom or silence.
Among those who divorce, two-thirds of women are. Please do you think it is?
I wrote and talked a lot about it. I call it the "Walk-Away wife syndrome." It is not that women take their marriage commitment as seriously or take the decision to divorce lightly. I think, in general, women are the primary caretakers of the relationship, especially at first. They are those who see their "love watches" and noting "Have we spent enough time together and we talked about enough?" If the answer is yes, then life goes swimmingly, but if the answer is no, it will start to talk to him about these concerns. If the husband is consistent, again, all is well. But often the husband will come off. When it is still insensitive to this, the woman's complaints will move to being of all in the relationship. it is not a good provider ... it's sloppy ... it is not a good father. She complains a lot. I've never met a man who wants to spend more time with someone like that. So he hires more in other activities, whether work or computer. as this continues, the woman starts to say she will come out of the marriage. Maybe not today, but the day after I get my ducks in a row. She begins to plan his exit strategy. for every woman is a little different. For example, for some it is when the last child is out of the house. Even if it intends to release this, he begins to think that all is well until D-day comes and asks for a divorce. He will then say, "I do not know you were unhappy, why do not you tell me," When she hears this, he begins to nail the coffin shut marriage because she can not understand how it has not any idea on how she was unhappy. Many women say. "I can not believe he does not know ... I do everything to let him know" In my experience, it is not that she has any is but she said [all. women rely primarily on the words as a way to get through to their husbands. Now that she has filed for divorce, it is the first time she stopped talking and taking action and he finally gets what she means. Many of these husbands then recognize how they took their wives for granted and how the family. these men can begin to change very profound way. the challenge for the therapist is to help this woman believes her husband to change and that change can be sustainable. the therapist must find a way to instill hope that these changes can happen. and I am the greatest "hope-monger"
Michele purchase books on Amazon: The Remedy Divorce: The 7-Step program proven to save your marriage, The Sex-Starved marriage: boost your Libido marriage: Couple's Guide, The Starved Wife Sex: What Desire When he lost