Dr. Stan Tatkin is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of the psychobiological approach to Couples Therapy ® (PACT). He has a private practice in Calabassas, California, where he specializes in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He trains therapists in its methods and developed the PACT Institute for this purpose. He is also the author of several popular self-help books.
What is the psychobiological approach to help couples?
The approach itself is poly-theoretical and is based on the theory and science in three different areas. These areas are of infants and adult attachment, excitation control, and developmental neuroscience. These things overlap and are inseparable. We look at the full development of each partner. It is also a capability model, which means that we are not interested so much in such subjects as money, time or children. We are interested in how these people function in the nervous system and what they are good and not good or what they can and can not do very well.
therapeutic Our position is that we believe regarding the safe operation in couples.
where brain science is the way you work with couples?
In this model, we do not work with partners in terms of the care for them or to focus on themselves. We work with them in an integrated way. It is more efficient for me to be an expert on you and how you regulate that to do with myself. And of course, you must do the same with me. For these relationships at work, in the long term, we need to know more about each other and how to handle the other more than anyone else around. Whether because it is important, first of all. And, because without attracting attention, we can not be in real time and really know someone. The reason is that our brains automatically. We cortical functions so that all that is new and novel is to be moved in procedural memory. This looks like automatic memory cheap, imperfect. The new parts of our brain are too expensive. It uses too many resources. Then our body learns and it gets relegated to automation. This allows us to do many other things. The same thing happens when we meet someone new. We are thrilled with each other. It's like being on drugs at the beginning of a relationship. We are totally present. But soon, we both automated. This is normal and way of conservation of energy in the brain of nature. It allows us to take on new tasks. The problem with automating us apart is that we rely on the memory as a way to understand what you will do next. That's when we start to make more mistakes. I'm not fully present. I think I already know you and you think you know me. This knowledge is partly real, but it is mainly based on memory, automation and implicit brain. Most or nowadays is performed only on this memory. Can you imagine how many mistakes we make with our partners on the basis of what we think is true? This is a big problem with couples.
You're talking about some very useful concepts in your book, Wired for Love. For example, what is the "couple bubble"?
This is like being in the foxhole together. We try to give an idea here of safe operation where you and I are partners and one of the reasons why we are partners not just because we are in love or because we have things in common or want children, but because we combine obligation to protect us from dangerous environment and predators. That's what all mammals when they marry obligations. Thus, it provides the framework and the idea that you and I have come together to back each other to protect our resources we use to function in the world. We protect each other in public and private and to say everything and are transparent. Not because we have to, but because it makes no sense to do otherwise. I take you because I think that you know everything I can possibly know about me because why not? Why would I not? We call each other and agree to do these things. We call each other and we go to the other for people when we feel bad or depressed or sad or excited or festive. We are the first to know, was at the top of the food chain, the roof of the house. We represent real home. It is a state of mind based on social justice theory that for us to survive and prosper, we must think in terms of true reciprocity. We must think in terms of what is good for me is good for you. We are dedicated to the principles that serve both our needs. We need a system that looks at the long term and gives us a perspective that is not just based on feeling. Here is what the operation is secure. The bubble has couple we pay attention to something or someone that could endanger us or divide us or take our resources without our permission. Many attachment and developmental research shows that we can not function properly unless we can take some fears off the table. These fears are around whether or not we will exist as a pair tomorrow. We make insurance so that either the table. We will not be threatening each other. This gives us the freedom and the resources to be used for personal development, work, everything. We Tether together because that is how humans are wired. We do this because we know not to do that has specific consequences.
What do you mean when you say "our brains are built for war"?
Our brains have a bias on the negativity. It is built more for the war in what we need to be more aware of pain, stress or fear in the environment and with others, so we know how to survive. If given the choice between coding negative memory and positive memory, the brain is asked to encode negative. This is important because it explains why neglected children can be more violent, troubled and anxious that children who have been abused. the reason is that the brain is not always interacting with another consistent person is subject to its own negativity bias. that is why isolation is considered inhuman. We are not built to not interact with others. the other important thing is that if I hurts or not treat your stress quickly, there is an accumulation of negativity in yourself and the relationship because there is a clock. The longer it takes for the relief, the relationship becomes more threatening and more likely that the memory is going in the long term memory. If I do not answer to your stress in a timely manner by a sign or action, you take it as negative. Even neutral is considered negative.
Can you discuss what you mean by "landing and launch"?
We know that children are most vulnerable when they wake up in the morning and when they go to sleep at night. We tend to dismiss this idea as adults. However, we need each other in bed at night and also have a sort of morning ritual expulsion . We'll all do better during the day. If you have no other time, make sure that you focus on these separations and meetings.
what partner with a personality disorder?
This approach was designed to work with the most difficult people, including personality disorders and other major disorders. the sole purpose is for them to be in a secure functioning relationship. Two people can create their own rules. We're not going after the question of character. We couples pressure to do so and we have expectations for them to have a safe operation. Secure operation is based on justice, fairness and sensitivity of the couple with each other. This may not mean changing their character. These people can be horrible to everyone, but they can not be horrible to each other. But we find that when people are safely operate, they are actually nicer.
What are your best tips for couples who are not secure foundation for the other?
Being in the foxhole together worked well. The idea that two people have to protect each other and are not at war with each other. Otherwise why even match? It is necessary to have the back of the other. The only antidote to automation is the presence and attention. Since we are visual animals, it is almost always the eyes. So, eyes looking, checking each other and looking into each other's eyes. If couples have any kind of emotional conversations, they should look directly at the other. Be calm and alert each other is also important. Be clever to create the kind of dependence of the love Helen Fischer talks, called exciting love. This is done through the eyes and touch, but also in search of novelty as a couple. It's all in the attitude of using a third object, like a new experience for this exciting and romantic love. This triggers the dopamine reward system in the brain. We continue to want to return again and again. Here is what people complain about the passion in a relationship. Because we operate automatically, we should reduce the other softer. If you are my partner and I disturbed you, I take note and the first thing out of my mouth must relieve you. If it is not, then I'm in trouble. Leading with relief and explain later. Care most about the relationship, not right or wrong. Do not explain your plan or do you explain that it will be perceived as threatening.
books on Amazon Buy Dr. Tatkin: Wired for Love, Love and War in Intimate Relationships, Your Brain on Love: The neurobiology of healthy relationships, and the next Wired for Dating.