Co-Author: Linda Engelman, MFT
the main complaint that marriage therapists hear couples is "we have trouble communicating." many therapists teach "communication skills" for couples who often go out the window in the middle of an argument. Otherwise, sometimes neither spouse remembers to use what they learned in couples therapy. Strange as it may seem, communication skills are not necessarily what you need for your wedding. Learn all "skill" is a behavioral intervention and a change in your cognitive (thinking) processes. It is something you have to think and practice on a regular basis to be effective. However, if you really want to experience a connection, security, and deep linking, then you need to learn something much more powerful than "think" or "practice" shared emotions interaction between two people which is at the heart of a healthy and long lasting relationship.
Some communication skills taught and why they can be problem
1 . "I" statements
The "I" is something taught to many customers by a therapist. It is a way to turn this: "Look at the clock Where have you been !?" In this: "I am sad when you come home late." In theory, start your sentences with "I" helps mitigate if not critical charge, allowing your partner to respond more empathetic. In reality, however, the revised sentence yet can be interpreted by your partner as a criticism. Just because you start with the word "I" does not change the fact that you are not happy with your partner, and unhappy because you panic in your partner. Besides this important fact, let's face it, how many people can use the "I" in the face of hot emotions like fear, anxiety and loneliness? This particular communication skill is very popular, well-meaning, and can sometimes hijack an argument ... but it will not save a troubled relationship.
2. Active Listening
This is an example of active listening, as taught to many couples:
Wife (Complainer): "you were downstairs watching football and have a great time while I was in bed, sick and miserable you never even checked. on me "
Husband (Listener): " so, I think I hear you saying is, when you were sick, I'm just downstairs doing. my own thing. I do not it? "
this skill can help someone either confirm and let her partner know," I heard you. " However, where do you go from there? This mirror and thinking your partner is important, but it is more effective when combined with an understanding of the underlying needs fixing.
For example, Partner A probably felt abandoned and fear. . Partner B might do better by reaching with one hand on the knee of his partner, eye contact and gently reflective, "There is this thing that I continue to do that again hurts you, you must feel that you not matter to me - that I care more about the game than you? "Women would then probably begin to feel that the husband was more sensible, and would feel more emotionally engaged with her husband. Not only he has" heard "it, but really" felt "his needs. The needs woman for the security and safety with her husband was heard.
in response to the need of fixing the underlying, instead of just hear a critical voice and be defensive or just repeating what you heard, moves your connection to a new level that will hopefully prevent the unwanted behavior from happening again.
3. Planning a "time to talk"
what happens to you when you think blocking 2 to 3 hours to "talk to us." Do you cringe? Do you hide under the pillow? Of course you do! Nobody ever said, "Let's talk" when they want to spend two hours talking about how much a partner as you are! There is always bad news around when someone says "we need to talk."
Couples need not schedule hours, only "moments". You're not obliged to hire babysitters, or spend your evening treatment whole disagreements. However, what is a "moment?" a moment admits, "I know that we had a difficult morning . I do not know how to fix this right now, but I know your sadness matters to me. " A moment called to say "I miss you." A moment is making eye contact and saying, "Are you doing okay" A moment is having a laugh together and sit down? cry together. A moment creates vulnerability, empathy and connection because both people are very sensitive to the other. How many times have you consciously created today?
4 . Dealing with the past
Suggesting that couples not bring the past is intended to help them stay in the present and move towards the future. It is to help them avoid rehashing of terrible old arguments. a reasonable proposal, but probably the worst idea since it is fraught with problems.
the past is where many couples have experienced injuries and pain. Sometimes even deep wounds that go unforgiven. the past is where your partner can have you need at a critical time and you were not there. The past is where your brain registered something like "This is dangerous ... I am not worthy ... someone is there for me ... I can not trust my partner ... I'm all alone . "
The past must absolutely be implemented if it is a constant source of pain. But also you should spend time creating a new experience when it comes to subject. Lay some "new neural pathways." How to bury the past is set to share an intimate and vulnerable way with the person closest to you in your life. Tell your partner what you need to pass. Let your partner to really take and show how badly he / she feels when hearing about your pain. When you have really done that the past becomes finally the past. It is not easy or quick solution single therapy session, but it is a very useful process of your time if the gain is considered at the end -. An intimate partnership life, filled with connected times
Many of these "communication skills" are a good start, but they fall short of what is needed to create a stable and loving relationship. Somewhere in your relationship, you two scared the hell out of each other and were not there for each other in the key moments. Not that you have lost your ability to communicate. Rather, you lost your ability to be emotionally tuned to each other . Sometimes these old wounds and other negative patterns of interaction continue to come in your relationship, and require a professional to help you work through them. couples therapist, qualified with a focus on the mounting base or emotionally focused can better help you when newly acquired communication skills are not enough.
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