By Sheri Stritof
People handling the influence and control others through the use of mental distortion and emotional exploitation. The goal is to have power and control over you to get what they want. Manipulators know what your weaknesses and use it against you. This will keep happening unless you actively and assertively stopped. This is very difficult in a marriage like handling may have started subtle. Before long, it can become the everyday dynamics of your relationship with your spouse.
Most people know how to be manipulative. But we choose other mature and healthy ways to interact with others. Especially in a marriage or other relationship, most aspire to be respectful of our companion through direct and honest communication.
Handling, though often subtle, it can also be quite obvious. Regardless, the manipulation is damaging to your marriage. For example:
Subtle: "Do you have plans for tonight"
Obvious "?. If you loved me you go to the movies with me tonight "
Direct and honest approach:" I would go to the movies tonight if you do not have plans for tonight, would you go with me .? "
- sex Withholding or affection
- Withholding money or some something of value
- make you feel shame or embarrassment
- Withdrawal or avoidance
- Giving "silent treatment"
- Have a tantrum
- distributing threats and ultimatums
- Lying or twist the truth
- criticism and disapproval
- Being vague
- Being coercive
- Display exaggerated disappointment
- WITHHOLD or hide
- Torsion words (words or meaning), you said
Some reasons why someone manipulates
- to punish
- to control and dominate
- change spouse
- to draw attention
- to receive mercy
- to carry the joint down
- to put your spouse on a guilt trip
- to get your own way
- to make sure that your own needs are met
- for other personal selfish motives
- negative feelings such as dissatisfaction, pain, resentment, anger and frrustration
- A serious sense of self-doubt
- defend always
- Frequently excuses, even if you think you do nothing wrong
- A lack of trust in your partner
- A lack of security in the marriage
- discontentment throughout the relationship
- marriage can easily be sabotaged
Handling and similar forms of psychological violence are not acceptable from a romantic partner (or someone else in your life for that matter). Understand and accept that manipulation is emotional blackmail. It is a common form of psychological and verbal violence. This unjust behavior must be recognized and eliminated in your marriage
"At worst, the handling is simply an attempt by one spouse to the other control :. '. Do this or else' Maybe the "or" induce enough fear of the spouse he or she acquiesce, but the change will be external and temporary. real change comes from within, not manipulation of circumstances. "Gary D. Chapman Home Improvements: the Chapman Guide to negotiating change with your spouse (06)
How to stop handling in your marriage
- Recognize when you or your spouse handles.
- Tell your spouse when you encounter manipulated. Be specific in describing the handling and feelings.
- Do not act as if the manipulation is not a big deal.
- If you find manipulate you, stop in mid-sentence. Be more direct in your questions or statements.
- If the manipulation continues in your marriage, find a marriage counselor to help you both change behavior.
Someone who manipulates in their adult relationships can come from a dysfunctional family of origin (that of the family grew up in). This person may have had to handle to obtain the basic needs are met or avoid severe punishment. Otherwise, the person could have been manipulated by his parents and learned that negatively interact with others ..
The manipulation may seem easy and natural way to deal with a difficult problem or have things the way you want, but in the long term, it is not. Handling is harmful and damaging to your marriage relationship. You and your spouse deserve an honest and loving communication.
* Updated article by Marni Feuerman
GET MARRIAGE ARTICLE WEEKLY UPDATES! REGISTER HERE.