There are times when someone is to blame for a situation. An admission of guilt, to accept responsibility, and making excuses are extremely important in a marriage relationship. These are rational moments and blame are not what this article is about.
What I want people to stop doing is irrational misconduct that creates the blame game. Dr. Neil Farber wrote that "blame is a chronic form of emotional abuse ... [and] blame reduces privacy."
When people are stressed or anxious, or they fight, flee, or blame someone for what is to create stress or anxiety in their life and marriage You've probably heard. "He did it, she said it's not my fault ..." Dr. Farber believes that the blame game is learned at an early age, "even before we develop verbal abilities."
the problem could involve neighbors in laws, kids' school grades or behavior, finance, employment, a health crisis, a messy house, etc. and probably include pointing, justification, strife, make excuses, dodging accountability, and lack of talk through the problem .
all part of the blame game. The blame game is a way to avoid taking responsibility for the problems in life.
Scapegoating is another word for the blame game. In reality, no matter what you call, blaming or scapegoating becomes a vicious circle with no end other than to give you a reason or excuse to end your marriage.
You can make it through the tough times without damaging your marriage either by not falling into the trap of blaming each other.
How to avoid playing the blame game
- not Cop Out. say that you can not help him because blame your spouse is built into your DNA is a bad rationalization to be hurtful. You can stop blaming your spouse and others. You just want to stop doing it.
- Pause . Count to ten or twenty or fifty before saying something you might regret.
- Do not criticize . Tear the self-image of your spouse down will not solve the problem or the problem. Be disappointed or frustrated in some circumstances is quite natural and complaining will happen. But keeping the complainant to I-centered statements and do not moan you!
- Avoid saying "you should ..." put into your conversation, the "should" word on a difficult issue will only make your spouse defensive and angry
- Identify and support psychiatrist character in the film How do you know gave good advice: .. "... understand what you want and get to the request. "Do you want some alone time? Do you want a hug? Do you hear that you as a person agree? Do you know that you can really work through the problem together? Ask your spouse .
- Recognize hot Spots. Every marriage has problems that can stir up the negative thoughts and feelings. You know what they are. Do not mesh these hot spots in a question you two topical trying to solve. This complicates the issue.
- are possible solutions. do not just complain. Having solutions for situations that cause you anxiety or frustration.
- Review How to Argue. Have an argument and disagree with each other should not harm your marriage if you follow the instructions for a fair fight.
- Ask questions . Having "the talk" with your spouse, ask questions, and brain storm together which creates the rocky road of your marriage or life.
- Go Easy on yourself. self-accusation n 't be good for your wedding or yourself. Of course, everyone has some regrets, perhaps even a little ashamed of the things in the past. Try to let go of these self-judgments.
Remember ...
Elliot D. Cohen, PhD. "One of the most destructive human pastime play the blame game has been responsible for massive losses of the war, the regrettable acts of rage, and on a broader level interpersonal (social, family and work-related), a considerable amount of human frustration and sadness "
.. Source: Elliot D. Cohen. "Stop Playing the Blame Game." PsychologyToday.com. 29/07/2012.
Neil Farber, MD, Ph.D. "Complaining and Blame are both signs of insecurity and give up personal control They both inhibit our ability to reach our full potential and be successful. . Blaming and Complaining both inhibit productive relationships and limit our ability to get emotionally close to others because they know that we criticize their behavior and attitude. Finally Blaming and Complaining are disempowering. they are the fastest means of removing our control and energy that we change the liability They steal our optimism, hopes, dreams, creativity, joy and gratitude, replacing them with fleeting periods of satisfaction -. not a great trade "
Source :. Neil Farber. "To complain or Blame: Is that the question?" PsychologyToday.com. 11/13/2010
And finally ...
Whatever problem or question is, try not to place blame. Blaming poisons your marital relationship. If your wife cheats on you, of course, is responsible for being an unfaithful spouse. If your husband spends more than your budget allows, it is responsible for its expenditure.
But when bad choices are made individually or in pairs, it is important that both of you are willing to ask the question "How could we have handled it differently?" and ask this question without blame
Neil Farber :. MD, Ph.D. "The less you blame the more you will be happy ... When you combine the benefits without blame of increased happiness, optimism and a positive attitude towards improving relations, a strong marriage, a. greater success in business and the realization and updating your potential, you can not help you earn the respect of those around you "
Source: Neil Farber. The blame game :. The Complete Guide to Blame 2010. pgs. 128-129.