If you are simple, and a parent, and you are considering entering a new serious relationship or "blend" your family, you probably have lots of concerns. A major concern is probably how your ex will deal with your new relationship. In many cases the former spouse or biological parent can cause stress between the family and the pain. In the best case, you and all the adults in your part of the family, respect and to raise healthy children, emotionally secure a priority as you grow a security relationship between households.
A friendly healthy co-parenting relationship is entirely possible with the intention and patience.
This means that all adults involved in the life of your child communicate calmly and respectfully, pay and pick up on time, return toys, books and clothes, do not use children as conduits of information or programming and speak positively of the former and new partner. Each of you as parents consider the education of children as a team effort. You are flexible and help each other on planning and child-care.Paying for schools and activities are distributed as fairly as possible, and you are aware not to take advantage of other parents.
high functioning, secure co-parents are a blessing to your children. Your children can go from one house to another without drama. They feel safe having a relationship with both sets of parents. Especially children grow up hoping that the adults in their lives bring well-being and emotional security of children to parental anger, jealousy or revenge. Children should not be exposed to negative feelings of an adult about their ex and divorce. Children should know they are loved and safe.
If you are one, high co-parent operation secure, on a scale of 1-10 to, you're a "10". Your behaviors and intentions are favorable to the effort of co-parenting team. In addition, the biological parents express appreciation for help and step-parent child support and other.
By creating a collaborative, co-parenting inter-family environment, you give your children a much better chance of being emotionally healthy and resilient. You are also helping your children feel safe taking risks and necessary to help it grow. Children thrive when they know they have a safe, loving refuge two homes where they are seen, heard and feel a sense of belonging.
Conversely, if you or your former spouse or biological parent does not work as a team and actively sabotages the co-parenting efforts, then you or your ex are at the other end of the scale, obtaining a "1" or "2" If you talk to your ex in front of your children, threaten to hurt or engage in physical pushing or blocking, cause you emotional distress your children.
negative co-parenting or sabotage is emotionally damaging to your children with long-term effects. It will also have a negative impact on your new marriage. When a bio parent is angry and vindictive, trashing ex for children, sabotage the new spouse of the former and openly saying hurtful things about the other parent of the child, children suffer, you suffer and your spouse suffers.
Children need to feel they are safe to have a relationship with both parents. If a parent requires loyalty to another parent, children are placed in an untenable situation. Each child is ½ of each parent. When you ask your kids disown the other parent, children struggle with hating / ½ disavowing themselves, causing emotional wounds deeply contradictory.
If you find that you are in a relationship to 1-3 on the scale co-parenting, first ask what you and your spouse might do differently to smooth communication between households. Maybe ask the bio parents what you can all do to create a safe environment for children. I encourage you to seek help from a family therapist to mediate co-parenting issues if necessary.
If you are sure you have made every effort to work collaboratively together, and your ex will not be a team player, then it is necessary to erect strong boundaries between houses. This may mean pick up and drop offs are on school or public places only. Sabotage biological parent has not hosted on your door, or in the house. All communication is done through text or email. (There are some great applications that make it easier). All communication is strictly on planning and well-being of children.
Another damaging behavior or ex biological parent can engage in is to use the judicial system to punish or maintain a negative relationship with the biological parent that causes financial and emotional stress. In this situation, you and your spouse need a family lawyer who can help you protect yourself.
If such is particularly vindictive and it is intended for your new spouse, it is your duty to protect him. If your ex trashes your new spouse, you need to end it. In the opinion of your ex to your new partner is irrelevant. You may need to block social media, emails, phone numbers, the name of your spouse. You, as the biological parent should handle all communications concerning children with the biological parent.
You can not control what happens in your home. If you create a safe space, emotional support for your children, you do your best in a difficult situation. Your children will eventually grow up and understand that you were there for them. You can not change what happens in the other house, you can just focus on creating a family environment secured safely in your home.
If your ex-spouse is doing everything in their power to keep your children from you, then it is your duty to make every effort to maintain a presence in their lives. You may have to use the legal system to keep the visits. Most of the time, do not give up. Children need to know and feel that you fought your best to have a relationship with them. Keep track of your efforts, you may have to show proof a day when they are grown
(Caveat :. I write this assuming that all parents are safe, not abuse children sexually or emotionally).
scale relative Co-operation (1-10):
10 - the functioning of stepfamilies highest
1 - the lowest, with fights, dangerous emotionally, vindictive, sabotaging
higher operating data, secure co-parenting:
- healthy boundaries
- emotional Objective well-being of children
- Calm, style of positive communication between households
- adults make plans involved without children
- adults are respectful of former and new partner
- adults communicate with children, it is safe and good to have a relationship with the other parent and bio family
- biological parents are grateful for the efforts of parents-and to express that to the kids
the potential outcome is to have children who are emotionally resilient, adaptive and willing to take appropriate risks. They have several adults in their lives willing to drop everything and run for them. There are more resources available for children: love, time money, and mentoring. They develop a strong immune system and "secure attachment styles" emotionally because they are loved and feel safe.
Low Operating data, very anxious and sabotage co-parenting
- Trashing ex
- Angry, feeling vindictive in the house
- Style strong communication, angry, confrontational, condescending
- Physically threatening, they create the sense of danger and instability
- Demands loyalty to the former children
- sabotages the relationship of the children with a new partner of the former
- no flexibility
- does not pay child support / alimony on time
- did not pick up children on time, promises the activity of children and does not show
- Use judiciary to punish ex and new partner
- does not return clothes, toys and books
- irritated and angry about the ex and his new relationship
- Uses the children to communicate, plan, program
- Pumps children personal information on ex and new joint
- Use children as emotional support to adult feelings
- inherently dangerous to children emotionally
the potential outcome is to have fragile emotionally anxious, avoidant or chaotic attachment styles developed by children. The children suffer from a life of deep emotional wounds, prone to addiction and many difficulties to connect to future romantic partners. Their immune system tends to be naturally suppressed by anxiety and emotional instability. They may be too dangerous to take risks, or take inappropriate risks that are destructive or dangerous.
You can see how it is crucial to any attempt to co-parent in a practical way for the sake of your children. It is impossible to control a former (or other person) but it is quite possible to make these changes yourself. Maybe your ex will follow. The critical part to remember is that this will help your children to thrive, and your new marriage survive
Buy Amazon :. Blending Families: Merging households with children 8-18 Trevor Crow Mullineaux and Maryann Karinch
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