Does your spouse complain about not feeling well, but does not want to see a doctor? Does your spouse make plans for a romantic evening or a getaway with you and then spoil it by being too tired or not feeling well?
Does your spouse talking about spending less money, or eat healthier food, or spending more time with family, or exercise more, and then do not follow these plans?
Does your spouse make promises that are not kept? Does your spouse acknowledges that there are problems in your relationship, but refuses to change behavior or see a marriage counselor with you?
growing frustration
The frustration of missing your spouse follow through good intentions, or say one thing and do another, or broken promises can erode slowly both the emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage.
This frustration can be increased if your spouse refuses to seek marriage counseling with you.
What can you deal with a spouse who has a serious behavior (paris, drinks, spending too much money, has a very negative attitude, can not keep a job, is emotionally or physically violent, did not make time for the children or spouse is unfaithful, etc.) that could destroy your marriage and your spouse will not change, are not willing to work on improving your marriage, or will not ask wedding advice?
Although it is difficult to cope with this situation in a marriage, help is here on how you can cope with a difficult marriage when one of you wants change.
no easy answers
There are no easy answers when your spouse see no reason to change or do not want to change your marriage. Some situations can be treated and other situations are deal breakers
Only you know what you can tolerate and still be emotionally healthy you
Note: .. Do not endanger yourself or your children staying in a violent situation.
you can not change your spouse
- Accept that you can not change your spouse. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Changing your own behavior may cause your spouse to want to make changes.
- react differently to difficult situations. If you have had the same argument repeatedly state that you will not rehash the issue and leave the room. If you have not expressed your feelings before, share how you feel with your partner.
Know yourself
- Know yourself and look at your own attitudes, behaviors, expectations, hopes, dreams, memories, concerns, behavior triggers, fears, etc. Ask yourself how long you think you can stay in your marriage if things do not improve. Consider individual advice to avoid feeling depressed or helpless, to understand your role in the conflict in your marriage, and clarify your plans for your future.
- Decide which of your negative behavior of spouse that you can live with and those are deal breakers. Decide if you are able to adapt to the irritating and hurtful situations in your marriage or not.
Facing The Issues
- Know that your spouse may not be as frustrated and unhappy as you are.
- While sharing your love for your spouse, express your concerns and fears about the future of your marriage. If you have doubts about your love, make a list of what you love about your partner.
- Do not put off having a conversation with your spouse to identify behaviors and deal with problems that create problems in your marriage.
- strategies for difficult conversations
- Select a location for the conversation that is free of distractions.
- Choose a time when neither tired.
- Be friendly and non-confrontational.
- do not give lectures.
- Stay on topic.
- Identify the problem.
- Clarify how the problem affects your marriage.
- Talk about what you want in your relationship, and not on what you do not want. Discuss what makes you happy and satisfied.
- Brainstorm and discuss solutions to the problem. Bring marriage counseling possibility.
- Agreed to set a time to reassess how things are going.
Re-evaluate
- If things are not going well when both of you are willing to reevaluate your marriage problems, consider these questions:
- is this a temporary crisis or the end of your marriage?
- What is the best thing that could happen if you stay together?
- What is the best thing that could happen if you divorce?
- What's the worst thing that could happen if you stay together?
- What's the worst thing that could happen if you divorce?
- Even if you believe that your marriage is over, try again. Do not leave without telling your spouse that you do not think you two can save your marriage without professional help
Source: Purdue University Calumet
- Try saying :. "We disagree, and we disagree a lot. That's why I would like for us to go to marital therapy." Or. "I love you, I care about us and I need help to learn to communicate better, I would try to board. "
- Be ready to change yourself.
"But what people do not realize, including many marriage counselors, is that we can change others. In fact, we have the power to create dramatic and long -lasting changes in those around us. the secret is in how we target our energy and effort, because our ability to change others is based entirely on our willingness to change ourselves. it is not a double standard or cunning, it is simply the reality of the dynamics of relationships "If I make a change in my own attitude and behavior, my spouse and the marriage itself will automatically be forced to change."
. Source: Marina Benjamin, Ph.D. "marriage Myth: spouses can not change." PsychCentral.com.