By Marni Feuerman
When deciding to make a living with your partner to form a new blended family, many rewards and challenges. A stepfamily can include your child or children of your new spouse from a previous relationship. It may take a few years for a stepfamily to fall into place and work well together. It is normal for children to feel uncertain about the coming changes and how this will affect current relationships with their birth parents. They will also worry about live with new step-siblings. Plan how your blended family work before the marriage takes place will give you the best chance of success.
One of the biggest challenges of stepfamily involves parenting and discipline. If a couple takes the time to discuss their expectations about parenting and discipline, it can be very useful. These talks should happen before remarrying. You and your spouse must be specific about your expectations.
For example, what are the rules of the house are, which tasks and what rewards or punishments will look like. You should also talk about your values, beliefs and philosophy around both parents and how to develop a cohesive unit as a step-family.
It is particularly important that consistency in the parent structure. You want the kids to adjust as well as possible and be consistent will certainly help. Typically, the biological parents should be the ones to take the main responsibility for applying the rules, with the stepparent action in a supporting role. You must always be both on the same page that does not inadvertently encourage manipulation in children. You also do not want to be shocked by anything moving together. You do not want to discover that the youngest also gets to sleep in your marriage bed, meals are in front of the TV or the children can come and go from home without permission if you are absolutely against such things.
once you have set your parenting in the order structure, turning it into a support, love, mixed well house is another task altogether. Do not expect instant harmony "Brady Bunch". All you need time together to bond and navigate new relationships. Remember that you are dealing with children! It is a major expectation of them to do as well as visiting hours and time sharing. You should not force these relationships and connections. You can demand respect, civility and courtesy, but you can not force children to all as their stepsiblings or stepparent.
Children vs The New Spouse - A battle Loosing
Who comes first, your children or your spouse? The answer is both. As in your first marriage, both children and adult primary relationship were priorities. You may be divorced because you are feeding your first marriage. If that were the case, you know the importance of feeding your new marriage or it disintegrate. When your children you and your new spouse to see in a foster and loving relationship, it is healthy for them. However, your children do not care about your romantic life, and they do not ask for a divorce. This means that you must pay attention to their emotional needs and tend to them.
You and your spouse have an obligation to all children in the household feel safe. They need to know they can trust you both and go to one of you to speak openly. You should also regularly check with them and not express anger if they are unhappy with some of the new arrangements. Do you best to help each individual child with his struggles adapting to the new house. By sex and age of the child, each adjusted differently. If you can not get out of the joint against the power struggles for children, it is time to seek the help of a family therapist.
yours and Their Each Other of
You can decide to have a baby with your new spouse. This will add another change in family dynamics. Do not be surprised if children do not jump for joy with you. If you created a stable structure reconstructed, the easier the transition will be. But you always want to prep the children what is happening and tend to their emotions and the issues around it. A baby could actually help create the closeness and connection between all members of the stepfamily.
One of the biggest sources of problems of children after divorce is the failure of parents to keep their negative feelings or derogatory comments about their ex ( or their new spouse ex) for themselves. Keep yourself in check! Children feel bad only about themselves if you criticize their other parent. They feel stress if you two do not get along and fight too.
As great as it would be if the homes of your child would be identical, it is quite unrealistic. Ignore things that do not really matter. You should not make an issue of anything that is not a safety issue. Your kids will adapt to the rules of each house. Be flexible and reasonable with your ex regarding tours and timeshares.
Can not we all get along?
Recognize that you and your children still need your own time together. Your children need to know that the "family of origin" is always special and not just a part of another large group. It is perfectly possible to do something on your own just as expected with your children and your spouse.
Do not even try to create perfect equality between all children. It's impossible. Be as equal as you can and when you can. Help children cope with their perception of inequality and feelings like jealousy, which may arise. For example, if one of the stepchildren comes home with a new toy from the other parent, standardize and validate feelings jealous about that.
On the other hand, do not try to "buy" your step-children love or try desperate attempts to get them to like you. This will probably backfire and does not work. You do not need to overindulge your biological children on the "divorce guilt." Similarly, it is both ineffective parenting strategies.
A blended family is still a family, first and foremost. These days, families come in all shapes, sizes and styles. What makes a family is about connecting and love among and within trusted relationships genetics. You can make mistakes you can learn. You and your spouse are going through the learning curve together. You are better to be a partner, parents and in-laws, the happier and blended family
online resource :. national stepfamily resource center
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